I’ve been finding myself writing and thinking about the space of the void lately. It was a space for me that had lasted almost 2 years. At the time it was excruciating and all kinds of deep core beliefs were coming up to be released. I am happy to share about it now that I can see it with new eyes, because I know there are many who are in this space right now and need to hear that they are not alone. They need to hear from someone who can identify. This is what sharing your light is all about. You share where you have been so the next wave can see the way more clearly.
Entering the Void
There are different circumstances that move a person into this space, and for me it was my husband having a heart attack. The intensity and swiftness of this transition was shocking for me. I instantly felt the disconnect from the old and was surrounded by what I call radio silence. It was like I was experiencing the world around me from a much different vantage point and there was nothing I could do to connect in my old way anymore.
There was also a very peaceful feeling that came along with it. There was a deep part of me that knew this space was an important one to be in, and I would gain a new relationship with how I lived and viewed my life. I knew I felt different and I knew I didn’t have a choice but to honor this new space I was in.
It doesn’t look pretty, but it truly is
To the outside world it would seem as if a depression had taken over after the shock of my husband’s heart attack. To many I had “let” a startling time “win” and pull me away from dreams, goals and aspirations. I could hear them and at a time I would have viewed this situation in the same way, but within me I just knew differently. I knew this was different.
Did I fight against it and allow myself to feel scared and lost and wonder if I could trust myself?…….damn skippy I did. Trying to explain how I was feeling and that I knew I had to trust what I was feeling even though it appeared I was sliding “backward” in life and letting so much “potential” go, was freaking dreadful.
I felt all of the guilt, I held onto feelings that I was a quitter who people couldn’t count on, I allowed myself to panic, and I tried to force things that no longer resonated with me. I let myself be bullied into thinking I wasn’t doing what I needed to do for my family. I shut down and played this back and forth game with myself daily.
Peace and Calm are always good signs
The one thing I couldn’t deny was the deep, peaceful feeling that all was in divine and perfect order despite how things appeared externally. There was this part of me that was used to striving, having goals, pushing, making things happen, living from a fear that if I didn’t work hard enough I wouldn’t have all that I dreamed of …..she was in her death throes.
There was this deep, expansive part of me that was rejoicing in the space I was in. This part of me that was completely connected with the universal wisdom and truth that we are completely supported in this life, knowing our purpose in this life time is to wake up and remember and start living from this connected truth.
Ask for signs, and they will light up
I learned to ask for signs that I was following the right wisdom, that I could truly trust what I was feeling. I got several of them, because I am kind of dense!! My saving grace was a beautiful blogger, Maria Chambers at www.soulsoothinsounds.wordpress.com I happened across her posts during some of my darkest days and remember the feeling of being flooded with a light and a total release of fear and a resounding 100% resonating “YES!!!!” Someone knows!! Someone has lived what I am living!! Someone is saying what I am feeling and living is important!!! At that point I had been on my spiritual path for almost 7 years, and there wasn’t a day that passed in that time that I wasn’t reading something that supported me on this journey. But the space of void I was in at that time, led me to her words. She was my light-post. She was shining her light and I was able to use her spark to light my torch. I reached out to her and she freely (in all ways) encouraged me and comforted me and even told me that I would be sharing my gifts and light in much the same way. At that time it seemed absurd to me, a deep desire, yes, but likely, no.
It gets better, and your new space will be full of light……yours!
I am just beginning to step out of that beautiful void. After a lot of trial and error and stops and go’s, I am connected with a deep joy, undeniable desire and peaceful heart ready to shine my light. If you are in this space, I hope these words bring you comfort. There will always be a light-post on your path, you can share light until you are ready to shine your own. It will absolutely happen. There is nothing you have to do. Trust this process and know you are supported, guided and loved beyond measure.
All is ALWAYS in divine and perfect order.0